dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
You took a bar mat shot.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
So I just went to clothing optional bar
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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