kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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