there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
