Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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