So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
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the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
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i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I pour the whiskey from now on
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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