He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
