there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I came so hard my ears popped.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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