I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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