i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
