my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
