i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
