I think I died a long time ago.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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