just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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