I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
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