Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
