Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
