i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
