I got chris browned last night
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
