Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
