non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
