I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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