i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
