I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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