i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Randomize
