3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
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