I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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