she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.