We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
