if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
