My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
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You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
You've changed since you got that strap on
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize