if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize