I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
