he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
