I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
