At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Sorry about my life...
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
