I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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