My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
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Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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