he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
