people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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