I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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