I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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