I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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