my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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