Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
