please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
