I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
The Olympian is in my bed
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
