remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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