Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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