I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
how do you play pong handcuffed?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
