I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
