Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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