Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
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Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
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There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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