Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
