I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
