god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
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Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
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I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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