Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
