Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
