my phone needs a breathalizer
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
